From Nebraska to Utah to Utero

[Bunny]

"Bum num num now..."

John Peters was walking down the street. This isn't a feat of great difficulty, and most individuals are perfectly content to do it without alerting all life forms in the surrounding five miles of their presence.

For better or for worse, John Peters was not most lifeforms. Each step fell to the earth with a great rumble, and if that weren't enough it was coupled with his continuous singing to himself:

"Bum num num niow... Do do do do do do do..."

Naturally, he was avoiding some of the disasterous things even he could tell were about to hit the fan, so to speak. Isaac was still furious over the kidnapping, and it was best to avoid that squirt. And the kidnapping would probably lead to an Outlander invasion, so it was best to stay aloof from that, too. And also, pies. He wanted to avoid all the pies.

But John Peters was confidant that he would not attract any sort of disaster.

[Sly Cooper]

Sunshine, being the dumbest of all dumb in all of Gatlin, she made many assumptions, but didn't know what the word assume was or that it even existed. She huffed, and puffed, making her way down the street. She seemed very angry and agitated, with something on her mind. But when she saw John making his way down the other side of the street, she made a face. A gasket had blown and she began yelling at the top of her lungs, hopefully alerting everyone in a nearby radius.

"John Peters! You knocked me up you ass hole! What's your problem! I'm like way too sexy for babies! Like who has ever seen a mom that was sexy? Like not me! And like-- yeah, you suck majorly."

[Bunny]

John Peters' head snapped towards 'Sunshine' so quickly that whiplash was in order. The blonde bimbo was swarming about and screaming at the top of her lungs. Though what it was about he couldn't quite figure it out and then...

"Whoa. Whoa. Wait. What?!" he held his hands out to stop her rambling, as though they were visible offenders he could shield away. "You think I knocked..." He blinked. It had been awhile since he had heard that sort of terminology used, but he remembered what it was well enough. "Whoa! I didn't...you can't be with child. Nope. Uh-uh. What did you do? You're not married. You can't bring a bastard into the fold! You have been impure!" But even as he spoke, his mind started to reel. Sunshine. Had he and she performed the horizontal hustle? He couldn't much remember anything around Christmastime. It was possible...

[Sly Cooper]

"Uh--uh you can't blame me for bastard child! It's not my fault you choose to put your pickle. I mean surrsly you need to like--" she was trying to think of a word for responsibility after saying the word seriously wrong. "You're like a pickle cuz you dun watch where you put your pickle. So stop making graveyard babies!"

[Bunny]

"Graveyard babies? Look, stop talking nonsense! We need to talk about this. Calm down. We gotta talk it over." He nodded in agreement with himself, and crossed his arms, pleased. He knew how to remain calm around an emotionally frail woman. Or, in the case of Sunshine (and most, if not all women too) mentally frail. "What's this about a graveyard baby? And stop blaming me. If it is mine" and it's probably not "it takes two to tango." And you could've said no.

"And what's all this about pickles? I don't even like pickles. And we haven't been able to grow any pickles so..."

[Sly Cooper]

"Yeah, graveyard babies. Like you don' know!" Although, not being in Sunshine's head (and quite honestly even if you were in her head) you woulndn't understand what was going on. What graveyard babies were was uncertain all together. "Two to tango, it's all the same with you men. It's always the sexy one's fault. Gawd! That's why I love Jacob so much. He's like way more of a man than you. His pickle is like, way better than yours. " Sunshine was trying her hardest to his John where it hurts most, in the groin, without physically hitting the groin. She paused, mostly to take a breath from her constant rambling "Yeah, I hope you don't like pickles. What kind of girl wants to be with a man that likes pickles!"

[Bunny]

"I don't know! I actually have a life, and don't have time to chase after imaginary graveyard babies!" John's grip of his short temper was slipping, and was made apparent by his flushed face and raised voice. "Now let's stop fighting and talk this over, you dumb -- " he was about to cuss, but ultimately curbed his words and instead sputtered, "person. Now. How do you know you're pregnant? Why do you think I'm the father? And what's so bad about pickles?"

[Sly Cooper]

At first Sunshine was completely blank. Her eyes seemed to point out in separate directions as though she was a chameleon, and a dumb chameleon at that. But then she looked directly at John Peters. She was angry enough, she was about to cry. Why do men stick their pickles anywhere and not take the blame? In any case, she began to tilt her nose in the air and make a face of disgust (if only she knew what it meant) "I know I'm prego cuz I di'nt have my period. Duh. How else would I know? This stupid town never has pregnancy tests when you need them. And you gotta be the father cuz I sleep with you the most! And no one else is popping up in my head. 'sides why are you bitchin'? If you and me make babies they will be sexy babies at least! although then I won't be sexy no more." She then left out the part about pickles and how it was slang in Sunshine land for male genitalia.

[Bunny]

John stared blankly at Sunshine. For a small increment of time (decisively small) he was able to contain himself, but ultimately his face contorted into a crude parody of his familiar countenance and he sputtered, "Period? Geeze, Sunshine! That's disgusting! Ewe!" He shook himself. "Don't tell people about that! What makes you think I actually --- I would've figured it out. You didn't have 'ta say anything...." He recovered and defended, "And I'm 'bitchin' because I don't know for sure if this baby is mine. And I don't know for sure if Isaac will marry us in time cuz if he doesn't -- you're a sinner and growing a bastard in you." He shuddered. "That won't end well."

[Sly Cooper]

"Isaac-- you mean that babysitter?" Sunshine was not happy with Isaac's performance as a babysitter-- not that he was exactly a babysitter persay, but in Sunshine's mind, that was the only thing that made sense. After all the adults where gone and he was there being all angry and spouting off orders. Sounds like a babysitter to her. She the grew blank for a moment, not really sure what the topic was, other than Isaac. After a long Sunshine silence, "Yeah my period, duh-- how else would I know. You can't find condoms or pregnancy tests around here. And it is totally you. I don't want to marry you! First of all, I'm too sexy to be tied down to one man, and second, that would ruin what I have going on with Jacob!" Not that she really had anything going on, that was just her imagination. "I just want the baby money. And maybe for baby daddy to drop by and say hi to the kid."

[Bunny]

John stared blankly at Sunshine, his mouth dropped into a gape. He had always known that the fairer sex could also be dubbed as the slower sex, but he hadn't full understood the sheer magnitude of their slowness. Did she honestly believe Isaac was their babysitter, and not a presumptuous spouter of holy writ? Did she honestly believe that she could get away with having a bastard?

"Wait --- you won't marry me? I don't want to marry you!" He crossed his arms firmly. "You'll be nothing but a headache! Go ahead, have your bastard - but if you say it's mine I'll just deny it. Uh uh uh uh!" He girating in his dog-dolphin noise mix.

"....Wait. You think you'll get money? And stop talking about your period!"

[Sly Cooper]

"Well duh! that's how things work around here. Men put their pickles in everything, make lots of babies with lots of different baby mama and then the baby daddy gets broke down and dies young cuz he works so hard and don't get nothin' for his paycheck cuz it all go to all the baby mamas." This was Sunshine's view of the world, and nothing was going to make it change. Forget all the people that have had successful relationships, they don't count. "And you gotta be sexy as a girl to make it in this men's world, cuz otherwise you ain't gettin' no money as the lady on the arm or the baby mama."

[Bunny]

John stared blankly at Sunshine, still not entirely catching wind of her innuendo. "Men...put...their...pickles in..." He shook his head, at a loss. He didn't like pickles, but he couldn't imagine running around sticking them places. If he liked pickles why would he put them in a pencil sharpener (as an example)? And if he didn't like pickles, why would he ruin a pencil sharpener? Sunshine was truly a depraved creature.

Because of her pickle theories and her delusions.

"You won't get a paycheck, Sunshine. There's no currency here. You might get a flogging..." he scratched his head. "Look, here's my advice: find someone who will marry you, and quickly. That way your baby won't be a bastard, and no one will be the wiser."

[Sly Cooper]

"No! You are a bastard!" He was about ready to slap John Peter's, but instead crossed her arms and threw one hip out to the side. "No pay check! You say I'm going to go out flogging! Nah uh! I don't do that for money mister! I did it once to get a passing grade in school once-- but--" Sunshine didn't know what a flogging was, so she instead filled in the blank with a different word. Either way, she was furious! She wanted her baby money!

[Bunny]

"A passing grade in....flogging? Stop being stupid," John ordered decisively, as though that would change matters. "You have a problem! Get married! You can't have a bastard -- and it's not mine," he added, "so don't go spreading it around that it is!"